Why men change, when first kid is around 3 years old?

The topic might seem to look like a controversial as some might feel that I am targeting men however I wanted to bring this as many are not aware of the issues pertaining to marriage & parenting nurtured in Indian traditions and due to small mis-understandings between a couple might lead to neglect and some unprecedented situations in life.

To start with, just a recap on what is marriage?. Marriage is an arrangement between two like minded people, which will lasts long, when there is emotional and physical attachment are there in equal. If one is high then the other, then a gap is formed in the marriage, which is never spoken and live a life that leads to clashes.

Usually, the first or second year of marriage will be good, due to equal physical & emotional attachment and a feel factor will exist within new couples due to various factor like new view points, new information, new approaches, new relationships, new emotions and so on. Every thing is new and the brain forms a good factor about life.

Let us consider a baby is conceived or born for the couple around the first or second year of marriage. Again, new relationships,  emotions & physical attachment are renewed between the couple, due to the baby.

This feel factor will exist around when ...

if it is baby boy for 3 - 3 1/2 more years
if it is baby girl for 2 1/2 - 3 more years

If you look at the above statement, I have mentioned that the couple happiness lasts only 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 years after a kid is born? Seems to controversial and very targeting isn't it?

Let me try to explain you on this, in simple terms.

In Indian parenting traditional approach, when a kid is born, the attachment between the Mom & kid is there till s/he turns 12 years. What happens due to this? The attachment between couple reduces slowly. Remember physical & emotional attachment should be in EQUAL.

Just an eye-opener on this is :

The kid always hugs his/her Mom and sleeps, and naturally the husband/dad gives-in the first initial 2 to 3 years of birth of a kid, however when it prolongs, he feels that he wants the normal life back. This is the period where physical has been reduced drastically however emotional attachment still exist in the relationship, which bonds the couple to an larger extend.

For a relationship to last long, definitely you need to have both of them [things] in equilibrium. If you blame that the other is demanding, that is inability to understand the situations.

How do we over come this?

When the kid turns 3, teach him/her to sleep in a separate bed, preferably a separate bed-room also. Stick to it, what ever the situation is created by the kid. Why I am trying to say you this is, kids will be demanding and we might give-in very easily. Remember, this is parenting and you are not going to lose your relationship due to that hardship put on him/her. Don't give-in.


Once the kid is trained to sleep alone, then you will feel the attachment between couples blossom again and life is worth rewarding!

NOTE: I have specifically not used certain words & lines in this post, as I felt that those are not used to discuss in public, which is part of Indian tradition.

Are we greedy?

conférence de l’ONU Rio de Janeiro 1992


Watch this and you will find out yourself!

Are we doing enough?!

Compromises...

Hope you would have read my earlier blogs on finance or the need of wealth creation by plan. If not, do take some time to understand why you need those...

While you need to plan your finance, you also need to rejuvenate yourself by holidays. Now saying this, quality what we are going to get is based on the price what we pay for it. The better the quality, the higher the price, however remember while higher the price does not guarantee you a better quality. So, why do you want to buy a product where there is a quality compromise?

Some years ago, while few companies were producing goods in quantity and making profits, few others realised the products that others had produced, where not reliable in the long run. So they created their own standards for higher reliability compared to the existing products which later due to mass acceptance by consumers became a benchmark for other similar products and thus the birth of quality.

Using the benchmarks, that they had created, these companies developed a strategy called BRAND BUILDING, which let the wide acceptance of re-defining Quality as BRAND.

In today's market scenario, if you buy a particular brand, by default you feel that you will have the best quality.

My question is: are you 100% sure that the hard earned you spend, do you really get the quality? If so, then why there are so many upgrades or so many versions available out there?

    Remember, every product has shelf life that might be 1 day to 20 years. What I mean, every product you buy has an end or change required. If not today, it might be required, tomorrow.

So, why do you want to get the best quality, when you know that after few days it won't be the best?

We need to learn to compromise, else we will always get into the frustration level with the products they come around and go. Products can be changed or bought, peace of mind & happiness can never be.

Compromises are one of human's best features that make them to learn to live, with what we have. Some will argue that if we started comprising there won't be better quality available.

If you see any product in today's market say from basic phones to smart phones, from bikes to high end cars, from flats to villas, the manufacturer had built them with compromises which are inbuilt with them somewhere or the other.

By compromising, you are not losing anything, but gaining an experience of learning to spend on what you need at that instant with a purpose instead of going by the brands or best which will be replaced tomorrow, because you will be there tomorrow to experience it for much better product.

Do we need Holidays?

When I thought about this topic, I felt, probably it not necessary as most of people get a minimum of 1 day to a 3 day off from their work, depending upon the nature & industry they work in.

To be practical, these are not holidays but these are off's from your regular work, so that you can get some rest from the morning rushes, meetings, deadlines etc….

You are just switching off [however your mind is in pause mood] to resume your work on a Monday but you are still on as you need to cater yourself to your family, probably half minded, as you have your next week work load in your mind!

When I meant Holiday, it means you need to off from your work, family & friends far away, probably with your loved one, where you can enjoy and give some time for yourself & your loved ones a thought!

Holidays are something that TRANSFORMS your LIFE to a different one. It gives you the energy, time and mind to review what you have planned for and what you can achieve further ahead of.

What are the benefits of a holiday?

1. It refreshes your mind & body
   
2. It further bonds you with your family / loved ones
   
3. It improves your self-confidence
   
4. It gives new ideas to explore
   

There are so many other benefits which can be listed …however that needs to felt while doing it!

Now, coming to drawbacks…

1. You need to plan it for your stay, travel & food.
   
2. You need to budget your holiday within your financial limitations
   

Taking off or away from duty is not important, you should be away from your city or place or home where you regularly stay.

Recommendations: Take holiday for a span of 3 to 5 days, twice a year.

Choosing a Life Partner

Today, divorce rates are increasing day by day though it is not or part of our culture. Instead of breaking a bond [marriage] let us try to identify some steps before the bond is made.

During a marriage proposal, most of our groom's family members look into...

Early days  : Good Family background [means has good reputation in the society], Beauty, Wealth & Character

Present days : Well educated,  Wealth or Working girl, Beauty, Good Family background [means has good reputation in the society] & Character

Compare to early day system and present day system, only two parameters have been added extra [education & working bride] and some have moved places due to economic conditions & generation gaps but the consequences of it is so high the system is slowly coming to a halt.

Education & work gives the individual a recognition of his/her ability in an organisation or work, however the same is reflected in a family or a bond, which increases this rate without understanding each other after making a bond due to the above factors.

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love" or 'Our horoscope matched' or 'It is arranged marriage'; I believe this is the 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love or by astrology or by society. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION-1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION-2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION-3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION-4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION-5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.

The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty;

and pain will replace.

In short,

the likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, intimacy, communication of the person should ALSO be considered and discussed by each other before going in for a bond apart from the usual list of education, Character, Beauty, Good Family background [means has good reputation in the society] & wealth or working girl.


Edited & Customised from a forward of 'Golden rules for finding your life partner' by Dov Heller, M.A.